March 23, 2018


Restless, this is how I feel most days but today it is unmanageable.  My legs feel as if hundreds of spiders are crawling over them.  They want to jump and move and run for freedom.  My mind is even worse, I can’t focus on anything except the idea of escape. I want to go outside and play in the ever increasingly greening grass. I want to stop at every blooming flower and stare at it intently. I want to stand in the sunshine and twirl around because why not? Have you ever stopped for a moment to truly feel the wind on your face?  Let it seep into your hair and clothes, that smell of outside? My goodness I love that smell. I want to laugh with Bear and come up with crazy stories as we lie on the ground looking up at the ceiling.


Yet, I can’t do any of that because I’m required by a piece of paper to sit at a desk and not leave until a designated time.  For those of you who don’t know, I work in an office setting in a tiny grey cubicle in the back of a building next to other identical cubicles.  Some of the people I work with read my blog unbeknownst to them (technically not anymore) that I can see when they get on here.  So, hello fellow coworkers.  Anyways, I’m not a desk person but society and debt require me to conform to their standards. It’s less than pleasant. Hence the restlessness.  The fact that it’s “officially” spring despite the weather outside, doesn’t help.


Restless and entrapped, that’s how I feel today. There is so much life bubbling inside of me wanting to escape but it’s confined.  Confined by naïve judgement, societal standards, financial burdens and literal barriers.  We all wake up and go do the things we’d rather not for a plethora of reasons. It’s not my place to tell you if those reasons are valid, but what I can do is commend you.  I don’t think we are commended enough for having the strength to wake up every day and go to work, go to school, or whatever else each one of you do even though we don’t want too.


I’m proud of you.


I’m proud of you because if you’re anything like me, living within a mundane routine is the hardest thing to do.  Now, for those of you who enjoy this, good, because that means you found your niche and don’t let anyone tell you that enjoying routine is wrong. But for me, I crave the excitement of adventure and the uncertainties of life.  My friend Madeline can resonate with that last sentence. We’ve talked about it.  Although, she’s going to read this and think to herself, “but didn’t we just have a conversation about finding adventure in the mundane?” Oh well.


I’m assuming at a later date I’m going to go back and read this post and delete it because it doesn’t make too much sense and is all over the place, just like my racing mind.  But for now, I’m going to leave it because this virtual box is my only way to escape right now and without it, I might explode.


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K. J. Rocazella

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