12152017 Never Ending Sadness

K. J. Rocazella

©2017 K.J.Rocazella

Never Ending Sadness

July 2, 2019

 

 

We all struggle with vulnerability and sharing; this is no exception. But, when you want something from others, sometimes you need to leap first.  This entry is something I wrote a while back that recently popped back up. It's of no consequence now, but after seeing Twenty-One Pilots, I felt inspired to share.  You'll notice the chaotic tendency I have not to speak linear. It's merely how my brain works. For some of you, it may seem as if a pattern doesn't exist, but others will relate to the inner weavings of the story I'm trying to tell.

 

I'm still uncertain who I wrote this for myself, the inner child in me, or others in the world. 

 

Also, unrelated ... this picture has nothing to do with anything, I simply enjoy the aesthetics haha. 

 

 

 

This is from 6/13/2017 'Never Ending Sadness'

 

 

Do you ever crave it? That feeling of utter hopelessness? Where you can't catch your breath, your body slowly shakes to the rhythm of despair, and tears sting your eyes and soak your face.  Because I do and I don't know why.  I feel most people avoid this destructive tendency, but I don't. Something is freeing about being able to experience something so vulnerable, intimate, and raw.  

 

If you don't already know, I write. I'm not a writer, I write, and when I write my goal is to weave a story to the world that is relatable and real.  I have a lot of ideas, some good and others bad.  My mind wanders more than it should, and my thoughts take over me more than I'd like, but that's okay.  

I'm starting to need, no, crave this feeling of desperation.  It helps me write.

 

The creative side of me can't function properly without it.  I'm slowly posting my novel on this website, Wattpad, to get it out there, and it's terrifying.  While doing this, I've been listening to music to help the creativity flow.  Music is the right hand to emotion and feeling, at least for me.  My ability to resonate with a song is borderline scary because I lose myself to the world around me. 

 

I enjoy losing myself to the reality surrounding me because it's not the world in which I'd ever place myself. I'm teaching myself to appreciate happiness more while remembering there will always be the sad parts in me, and that is okay.  I'm starting to like me, and I hope you'll begin to live you — even the tragic elements, but especially the good.  I hope you can learn to appreciate all the feelings in you, even the ones you hide from because I do.  I understand everything about you.

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